Yesterday when I picked up Eli from school, we went straight to the grocery store. This was a break in our routine from stopping at the gas station for a candy bar, a reward for completing his daily goal. However, the store is far and away his favorite place. This child loves to food shop.
I had also planned a trip to the local Borders to buy Since We're Friends for him. Lately, I have been thinking about telling Eli he has autism but I don't quite know how to approach the subject. I figured that this book would help me out a little. But I am getting ahead of myself a bit, here.
We were in the car chatting about what we were going to get at the store when I broached the subject. There was a lull in the conversation and I said, "Eli, did you know that you are different from other kids?"
"No I'm not."
"Yeah, you are, a little bit different isn't a bad thing ya know."
I struggled to find a point of reference that he could grasp and followed with
"Not all kids have a teacher helper like Miss Bonnie, do they?"
"Well, ya know Mom, I'm pretty smart in Math. I can do the problems all by myself with no help. Maybe the other kids could have Miss Bonnie help them, instead!"
At that point, I just gave up. The kid has a point. Other kids could have Miss Bonnie help them, instead.
Off we went to the store, loading up on the usual fodder, along with just a few special things he wanted like Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. Mmmmm, sugar. He will try to slip stuff into the cart when I am not looking, but we usually limit his stealth purchases to just a few things. If I let him do all the shopping, it would cost a fortune! Finished, we drive across the way to Borders. I told him I had a special book in mind just for him.
I curse Autism Awareness month. The book was out of stock and I would have to order it, but the customer service person was less than pleasant so we left and went to Barnes & Noble. Also out of stock! Grrrrr. However, the clerk was far more helpful here, so I went ahead and ordered it there. It should be here in a few days.
We got home and wandered off to do our usual wind down, him getting filthy in the backyard throwing dirt clods for the dogs to chase, me putting away groceries, and I started to wonder--Is this really a good thing to tell him? Will it make him feel bad? How will he handle it? Will he even begin to understand?
Later in the evening, Jim and I sat on the front porch swing and talked it over a bit. My point was that I would rather have him hear it from us than from some kid at school and Jim totally agreed. About that time, I heard Eli call his sister a choice name and had to smile in spite of it all. Sometimes he behaves so close to typical--and we experience this more and more these days. I said to Jim, "Ya know, maybe now is not the right time. The kids at school are pretty accepting of Eli. Maybe I should wait a little longer."
I just don't know the answer to this, and there is no answer, really. There is no perfect time for a conversation like that with your child, near as I can tell. I want him to be proud of himself just the way he is, and right now, he is very proud. Maybe I should just leave it for now....
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One possible approach is to wait for Eli to notice that he's "different" and ask you about it. From your description, I'd say he's blissfully unaware, and that may be just fine for right now.
ReplyDeleteIf he asks you, then you can start with the "everyone is unique" approach, and follow that with the specifics about his differences.
I am not a parent of an autistic child, so I do not know what is behind your thinking to tell him that he is autistic. I suppose, as I think and type it "out loud" here, it could be a way to spare him the questions in his mind before he comes to you, attempting to give him the understanding of who he is before anyone says or does anything that makes him question why he is different.
Would this information be helpful to him? Or would it be a burden? I guess I lean toward your ending comment: " . . . leave it for now . . . ". Keep an eye on the situation -- you'll know when this information will be helpful to him.
Thanks for your input! My thinking behind telling him is mostly for his own protection. I don't want him to hear it from another, possibly hurtful source. I can put it off for now, but the day will come that he does need to know.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that when you tell him, how you tell him, when and how you talk to him after he hears it from someone else, what ever, he'll probably make as big or little of a deal of it as you do because your opinion of him and how important the issue is is what counts the most.
ReplyDeleteto him.
ReplyDelete:o) Thanks, Ed. I need as many opinions as possible on this one...
ReplyDeleteWell, Joanne isn't autistic, but she has started noticing things about her that are different. I guess the biggest thing for her is her scar at this point. She saw another boy the day we were in the fashion show, and she said "Look Mommy, he's got a scar just like mine!" And, she's asked me "What kind of cancer did I have again?" ... I've had to explain it all to her. She's been aware for a much longer time than Eli has, simply because every 6 weeks for the last 5 years, we've had to go for treatments... But, I guess now, she's getting curious. I want her to know about her scars, so that she can explain when the other kids ask about them. I always explain the cancer AND her OMS. I know this is different than Eli's situation, completely. But they are about the same age.
ReplyDeleteAlso, she came home about three weeks ago, and told me they had "other student visitors with them in class today." They learned "about what they had", but couldn't remember what it was. I know there is an autistic class at her school, so I asked her "Was is Autism?" "YES! That's what it was!" (a whole conversation followed about what if someone was picking on those children, what would you do -tell them to stop - what kind of special needs do they need - what kinds of special needs have you needed, might you need in the future, how could you help them - etc etc etc)
So, it may help you to contact the school and ask if autism has been explained to the other kids yet...
Just thoughts - hope some help...
Does his aide have any insight on it? Lots of great points here. I have no advice but am enjoying reading the comments.
ReplyDeleteI've tried to explain to Stella about some of the special needs kids in her class. I don't even know how to explain autism. She does seem to accept it as a part of everyday life. J behaves a certain way. J gets an aide. She said "J pretends like he doesn't know stuff, but then you ask him a math question and he gets the answer right away!" So she doesn't understand that there are differences in the way he processes and expresses. (From her stories, I think she likes to play teacher with him.) I don't know how to explain his autism to her, though I do try. On the other hand, the kids just seem to understand that certain kids are different and need extra help.
well- no advice, but I guess I am interested in it from the other side, and making sure my own kids know how to relate.
Well, Stella is around the same age as Eli, so she is probably too young to really understand. It's such a hard thing to explain to a child. And really, it's tough for a lot of adults to comprehend, too.
ReplyDeleteOne thing you might try is to put it in simple terms, like "You know how sometimes noises are too loud or bright lights hurt your eyes? Autism is like that a lot of the time. It's just too much coming at a person at once for them to handle it, so they might shut down or blow up." I say this because a lot of autistic kids get overloaded with sensory stuff.
Another point is that they don't always "get" the nonverbal cues that other children pick up so easily. It's better to be specific with these kids, saying to them "You're too close--I need some room" rather than just backing away or running.
Stella's a sweetheart, and she learned that from you. Thanks for helping. :o)