Not so autism-centric anymore

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here, and I've been pondering what to write about for a couple of days. I wanted to keep the blog sort of autism-centric, but the truth of the matter is that my life is nowhere near as autism-centric as it was a few years ago.

This is a good thing, for me. I got sucked into the abyss and it was hard to scramble out of it with my mind and sense of humor intact, but I did. Those first couple of years after Eli was diagnosed, I was addicted to the drama of the forums. Within a month of his diagnosis, courtesy of the forums, I became convinced that his autism was vaccine induced, then started to get away and read more of the science side, rather than the emotional side. It became clear to me that it was not the shots. Science should trump emotions, but it doesn't work that way all the time.

So now, a few years, five to be exact, after he was diagnosed, I don't eat, breathe, drink and sleep autism. It's there, and sometimes is in the forefront, like when Eli has friendship problems, or when he freaks over a Lego creation breaking. But you know, it's not that big of a deal anymore.

I realize that this is due to sheer luck of the draw. When he was smaller, I had fears he would never talk, most specifically that I would never hear him say, "I love you, Mom" because he started talking so late. Suffice it to say that he says it now, and that's just luck. He could have easily been a child who never spoke. I worried that he would never toilet train, and by the time he was 4, this seemed like a valid concern. But thanks to an amazing preschool teacher and an endless supply of M&Ms, he got it before he was five. Later than the norm, to be sure, but he did get it. This is also lucky, since many autistic kids train much later or not at all.

I got lucky. That's pretty much it. I am not the most outstanding mom and truthfully, sometimes I am a lazy mom. I am older, more tired and more jaded than I was for that first batch of kids. I don't want to take the kids to the pool. I don't feel like baking cookies. I have never been a play-doh mom at all--can't stand the smell. So how did I get so lucky?

It all evens out, I guess. I got lucky in that area, but not others. One of my older boys is at a crossroads right now and is not seeming to make good choices. It breaks my heart, but I can't stop it. It is so very painful to see someone on a downward spiral when you can't do anything to save them from themselves. I can't ground him. I can't spank him. I can't talk to him. I have tried, but it hasn't made any difference. I love that kid so much. He was the one to spontaneously give me hugs at the age of 3 and say "I love you Mommy" when there was nothing to be gained from it. He's always been a sweetheart and I just can't stand to see him hurt. But it's him hurting himself. How do you stop that?

Tough love. I remember when that term was first used way back when. Now I have to exercise it, and it is just as tough on me as it is for him. All I can do is watch from the sidelines and hope for the best as it works itself out, for better or worse.

Compared to this, autism is a piece of cake.