Ch-ch-ch-changes

Time to shake things up a little bit. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right? Turns out it's not broken, but still needs a little change.

Routine. Autistics tend to rely on routine and find comfort in it. For example--mornings I take Eli breakfast in his room. He's slow to wake up and mornings are hectic so I don't mind taking it to him and allowing him to eat there. No problem, and I don't see a reason to change it. Another routine--dropping him off at the same spot each morning and watching as he walks into the school. PB & J for lunch--yet another routine. Same old same, but it works.

But what happens when a routine becomes a problem? What then? Rip the bandaid off or pull it slowly? For most people, ripping seems most humane. Get it over quickly and it will be less painful. With Eli, slowly seems to be the answer.

Eli's dad and I are no longer a couple. The transition was slow, and sometimes quite painful, with his dad sometimes returning home for periods of time. Ultimately, we both knew the breakup was coming. So when we finally called it quits, it was no big surprise. For Eli, it seemed as though he had accepted it in his own way over the course of a year or so.

At first, his dad did not even see Eli for periods of up to and over a month. He just didn't show much interest. However, people change and over the course of this past summer Eli started spending weekends with his dad. Every weekend. Without fail. I must admit that this made me happy for a couple of reasons. First, his dad was finally taking an interest in his only child. That's a good thing on every level. Secondly, I got some much-needed and very appreciated respite from a reasonably high-maintenance child. Over the course of time this weekend routine has become a problem. Allow me to explain.

The Mothership is a very active household. There are at present time 6 of us in residence, including siblings, not including pets. We have two Labradoodles, Max's little mutt dog, five cats and two parakeets. It's loud, busy, and frequently messy--all factors that make an autistic kid a little on edge at times. His dad lives alone in a two bedroom apartment that does not allow pets. He also is unemployed, which means that the time he spends with his son is probably the most fun he has all week. No siblings, no pets, no noise, very little mess. He gets to be the center of attention at ALL times, being spoiled with his favorite fast foods and video games. Weekends are free time which means no getting up for school, no homework, and lazing around all day long.

Home, on the other hand, came to mean home-cooked food, homework, getting up every morning for school and the frequent chaos of a busy household. Guess which one Eli likes the most? You got it. Dad is now King.

This hurts me beyond what I could have expected. His dad has never read a thing about autism. He does not attend meetings, though he has occasionally gone to doctor's appointments with me, most recently to see a developmental specialist. That was over two years ago. So yeah, I have borne the brunt of parenting this very special little boy. I fight for him. I get up in the middle of the night with him. I make sure he gets his coat zipped and he has fruit snacks in his lunch for dessert. I get him to school on time every day so he doesn't have to get a Late slip, which he hates. I help him navigate social waters the best way I know how. I adore this little boy.

So, imagine having him walk in the front door after a visit at dad's, telling us we are all "lame", that he hates our home, he doesn't want to be here, he wants to stay at his dad's. Crushing. It is really all I can do to not just go to bed and cry over it at times.

Time for a change. Shake it up a bit. After talking to Jim about it, we came up with a plan. Instead of every single weekend at dad's, Eli is starting an every other weekend routine, with him also going to dad's each Wednesday night and dad taking him to school Thursday mornings. The reasoning is that if his dad has to take him to school, getting him up and to school early, then maybe Eli will understand that it's not just ME, it's reality that he has to go to school. Further, our family has some really fun times on weekends, and Eli has been missing out. And we miss him.

Our first shot at this didn't turn out so great. I went to pick him up from school after his first schoolday from dad's and he was not happy to see me. He was confused that it wasn't his dad picking him up. He was angry. The day didn't progress well from then. I was hurt, he was pissed, and neither one of us did a very good job of hiding our feelings. But we did eventually bounce back and I am still sticking with the new routine. This weekend should be fun, with some friends coming over tonight for a birthday celebration and a gingerbread house for Eli and Hannah to construct tomorrow. I am looking forward to letting Eli sleep in tomorrow morning and just play around all day. No structure, no routine, just play. Watch tv, play Toontown, make a gingerbread house and maybe some Christmas cookies. I dunno, really. Just an average weekend--at Mom's.